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[17 Jan 2009|01:15pm] |
why can't i be rich enough to afford some jean charles de castelbajac? seriously? that skull dress, heart and all has my name ALL over it. and the fucking clown dress?! jesus this man's fashion is amazingly alexis.
now i just need to make enough money for it...
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[06 Jan 2009|08:15am] |
Har har. Here's a list of prescriptions I desperately need today:
albuterol inhalor
effexor
nuvaring
how silly. I need my inhalor for asthma, my anti depressant for anti depressance, and sexual healing for no babies for me.
i have not taken my effexor in four days though and am starting to feel the effects. everytime i move i feel as though im gonna faint. maybe taking anti depressance was wrong of me? ill say that phrase again once im on the nuvaring, what with the terrible hormone changes and all. cole's gonna bite his lip once that happens.
seperately, i received a message from vlad of all people, inviting me to his house. i don't get it. are there not girls in his jurisdiction that are willing to put out? did he forget that im not a whore? wait, scratch that, did he forget that im not a coked out whore?
on another note, i was asked to come in to work and fill in for joyce. i didn't know it was only for an hour. so now, after waking up at 6:30 am, here i sit done filling in, twiddling my thumbs until 3 when i have to rework. maybe ill order some food. or find some.
i think i should go next door too and maybe hassle the free clinic for an inhalor. seriously, i need it! i cannot breathe!
i think thats it.
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[23 Dec 2008|10:26am] |
Why the fuck do I keep waking up feeling hung over?! I think my drinking has made me develop some weird blood problem. I just need to detox that's all...but that's going to be harder than it appears, I'm sure.
On a separate note, I called to see what was going on with my fucking card and it's not gonna be here until tomorrow for fucks sake. So that means I gotta mooch offa cole for one more day. I'm thinking to make up for it I'm gonna buy him groceries and some shit for him. He needs a bath rug, a welcome mat, a coat he will wear that doesn't allow his things such as wallet and cell phone to fall out on the snowy pavement.
I also need to buy Rosie (bubs is no longer her name--she some how has nipples and girlie parts that I mistook as boy parts) guinea pig toys. Cole and I want to build her a huge cage and maybe another one. I dunno yet, I need to find a tiny guinea pig so Rosie doesn't die, or get knocked up. She needs to go on a diet as well, she's getting chubby. I used to call her chubby bubbies. I think I may continue calling her that.
i've forgotten the overall point of this entry.
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[22 Dec 2008|04:40pm] |
So, just to save myself some skin, here are things I want for Christmas...hopefully I remember to look here and find these items:
1) A pair of heart shaped sunglasses for the summer time. Nothing says cute like a pair of bright white framed, disco glasses.
2) A pair of fluffy boots, like those from the ´60s (most specifically, like these http://www.montkid.com/site/faux_fur_winter_boot_08.html though not white, most specifically black or bright pink.)
3) A pair of black skinny jeans that actually fit my neverendinggrowing ASS.
4) A relaxer and a new haircut. I´m getting sick of the whole Twiggy cut now, so I´m thinking I should go drastic. Maybe I´ll cut my hair off like Kelis, side shaved to pull off a hawk if necessary (most specifically, http://www.mtv.com/news/photos/m/misshapes_08282007/Kelis.jpg and here http://www.bestweekever.tv/bwe/images/2006/09/kelistracy.jpg ) HOT HOT.
5) A red lip color that doesn´t make my mouth look disgustingly huge, and frog like...maybe a nice matte lip color?
6) An A+ in both my seminar and La Francophone!
7) This job at REM Iowa with Carrie. It´ll probably be the best and worst job ever, but I can handle it.
8) A new camera, like Uriah´s.
9) A decent modeling career after graduation to pay off those stupid student loans. First, I need to find a company that won´t order me to develop an eating disorder...I like my large ass, hips and thighs, thankyouverymuchdumbmodelingcompanies, I´m fine the way I am! Though I do need to tone up a bit...kick boxing at JB will help.
10) A fixer upper for my bike presummertime. I think this year I shall go ahead and be apart of Ragbrah! Fun fun fun! Pedal to the metal!
11) A new coat, most specifically anything that keeps my ENTIRE body warm.
There´s more to come, once I think of more...
♥
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[22 Dec 2008|12:18pm] |
mmm... uriah sure knows how to make a mean leek/onion and potato soup. i fucking love it.
and him. he's really turning out to be MINE! perfect, but i'm not making any promises. but, mmm.
on a new note, i woke up in the weirdest way. first, i was sweating ALL night long and it was fucking freezing. i feel hung over. it's like my body forgot i didn't drink last night, or the night before and was trying to get the booze outta my system. which sucks. sucks hardcore.
i'm thinking coke and a bottle of water would help a lot.
and my medication.
mmm...CUM!
(cole uriah mccray)
♥
i wish i had more to say than that.
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[27 Oct 2008|05:19pm] |
so. new boyfriend seems to have awful past relationship, drama, that has now been incorporated into my seemingly dull life.
is he abusive?
is he manipulative?
he claims he´s not.
outside voices say he is.
fuck me, and all this shit supposedly happened three years ago.
so then there´s this:
should i trust him, despite the fact that i keep hearing rumors of his abusive, crazy style?
although, i´ve never seen it first hand, and in fact, get another vibe from him.
and if it all happened three years ago, what should i do?
for now, i´m just going to trust my own instincts and the moment he switches from cool, to crazy, i´m dipping out.
or am i just an idiot?
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[07 Sep 2008|11:08pm] |
It hit me today. How dark I am.
I thought for a split second...how and why is this affecting me?
Roll off, like a rollie-pollie.
I thought...how strange, how weird. You.
The very essence of what is wrong with humanity.
I thought, it's you. Yourself, alone. You.
You're a coward. Too afraid to be alone, too nervous to be timid.
You'd rather choke than skip to the place you rot in.
You'd rather curl up your tongue and and exchange a loaded bullet with the innocent by-stander..
I don't fathom.
I can't fathom.
I won't fathom.
It hit me today, that my bleak refined imagine of you is just that--bleak.
and it'll always be that way.
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[16 Jun 2008|01:53pm] |
I bordering the line of obsession with my hate for you.
you being plural.
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| dehydration killed the cat. |
[04 Jun 2008|04:22pm] |
So. more moments where my thoughts run a muck.
I contrived these in a mood of angst, with a J attached to my skinny hand:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[d.funked in a chair]
I'm obsessed with hating you.
I don't really know why, but I am.
There are things about you that confuse me;
you're annoying,
you're ugly, both physically and mentally.
(you're a waste of your father's load.)
Sometimes, I wonder why God put you here--was it some sort of sick joke?
Was he drunk when he created you?
Or were you sent here to show me why people like you exist?
I think I will stop engaging you.
Our conversations will be hello and goodbye.
Then, maybe you'll understand why you've got no friends?
Instead, you've gathered a pathetic trope of asskissers.
who lie to your face;
who hold your hand;
who wipe your ass when they ain't kissing it;
and stick their dicks in that deteriorating hole you call your life.
---------------------------------
{fin.ished}
I'm that friend--
the one you've probably considered;
self loathing,
paranoid,
kind (if I'm in love with you)
funny--but serious.
I'm the one that leaves you feeling cotton-mouthed
(but not uncomfortable)
♥
--------------------------------
{asphyxia}
you're so pathetic in your pride.
all the ones you abide in, are the ones you confide in...
and guess what, they confide in me.
those debilitating rumors destroyed the room you lived in,
and they destroyed the body you take for granted.
so when you sit there so sad in your little pink dress,
that hangs off of you like a fish on a wire,
still grappling with the desire to swim and move,
there i'll be with a smile on my full face, chuckling at the groove.
what a beautiful name, for such a shame.
someday, quite soon, your flesh will rot and melt.
your face will fall, your nose will turn, and your cheeks will burn.
and there i'll be with a smile on my full face, chuckling at the groove.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Name calling, and so on
the thing about you is that you've got this tiny little face.
and a tiny little personality.
a personality full of deceit, and blame.
you play the name game so well.
you play it so well, it's almost like it's your job.
you'd be perfect for that!
point your stupid fucking finger somewhere else.
and fucking swallow your disgust, and deal with it.
.
kthxsbye!
-------------------------------------------------
on a more serious note.
my cousins graduation was neat. although, there were a lot of people there for a high school graduation. he graduated with 700 people, but it took place in a stadium. a rather LARGE stadium. after, we went to his dad's house for jambalaya. it burnt my tongue, but overall was delicious. although, my family kept making jokes about me eating. apparently, my skinniness is a sign of an eating disorder. except, i don't have one because i love eating. i'm really getting sick of people thinking just coz i'm skinny i have some sort of eating problem. when the reality is, i love eating so much, that if i could, i would eat steak all day until my stomach broke open.
imagine that. EATING.
hahaha.
i'm immature.
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| It go away. |
[31 May 2008|10:39am] |
I finally cut my hair like Twiggy.
I'm glad I did--I look cute with short hair. I'm becoming happier that I am one of the few girls who can pull off short hair.
Columbia Missouri is humid and hot. My cousins graduation is today at 2 PM, it should be fun. I have a headache from weird sleep and I must say visiting hotels is more fun than chocolate cake.
!
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[23 May 2008|02:33pm] |
Im.promptu ]
My intelligence is more than they realize.
I coyly sip away at conversations (hydrate my thirst),
until all that is left are empty words.
I walk through shells of people,
as though they were air.
Cooly calculating, I am.
Worthless bitch, I am not.
I like these words.
But I'm too lazy to finish them.
-------------------------------------------
on a seperate note, formalism has seisted to exist. i'm enjoying school not being in session. i can read something that wasn't shoved down my throat; supposed to be finished in a week; test the following day.
also, i don't have to worry about interacting with blant, disrespectful insincerity. i keep those in my corner whom i trust. tonight, i delete. tomorrow, i shine.
i need to clean the basement, finally. i've come to the conclusion that it doesn't surprise me that i was left with all the shit work. everyone involved is wrapped up in their ineptude. i'm gonna head over to the library and check out some psychology periododicles on the nature of selfishess. i also need to check out some sociology, and morally theorists on selfishness as well because my confusion with the subject is consuming me.
(where the kids at?)
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| Slight |
[20 May 2008|05:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 working |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Friendly mutters |
] |
{the following is an influenced rendition}
S[L]ight
I would just like to say, that you are insane.
I cannot fathom what that must feel like--does it ever consume you like it consumes me?
There are some things in this world that just do not make sense to me. Selfishness, for instance, is something I´ve been twiddling with for some time now. I try not to be selfish, as I have always put others before myself. But this, THIS is ridiculous.
There´s a snake at my back and I don´t know how to get rid of it. Should I ignore it? Should I enlighten it? Or should I kill it with something hidden up my long sleeves?
I have to keep reminding myself that I know who I am and what you think shouldn´t matter. After all, what would you know? The only thing that matters to you is the little games you play and the delusional world you live in.
When my tongue is dry, Iĺl lubricate my pallet with psychological words that will spike your pathetic, puny spine.
You fuck´d up.
I know about you.
And you don´t know about me.
----------------------------------------------
On separate note:
this medication is making me sleepy and apathetic. Mind over matter, though. I refuse to let outside sources influence how this medication affects me. I refuse to be an idiot who falls victim to pharmaceutical drug addiction.
ALSO! these kids are TOO adorable.
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| Soaked. |
[09 Aug 2007|12:10am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sleepy |
] |
That month in the "wilderness" did absolutely nothing until I was out of it, back inside society's grappling hooks, and my cell phone started pouring in messages from people who have done nothing but keep me down thus far.
I love my father, but how much can I give to him before I start to fall apart?
Friend's don't normally say things like these to other friends during a drunken stupor: "I like that I can manipulate her".
I saw a gospel music video. All these different types of people (young, old, black, white, asian) were singing and dancing together. It made me cry, "Wow...those people look so happy".
I think I've come to terms with sanity. I think I finally understand that there's a thin (repeat) thin line to what we consider sane. There is no sanity, only reformed and repressed people who hide behind their sadness and hate and call it "living".
We're all fucked up. How easy is it to psychoanalyze a person? However, by doing so, you are only placing labels on them, which has been an unnoticed fraction of my personal problems. I talk shit about everyone else because it's easier to reflect my feelings on others.
That's wrong.
And I'm sorry for it.
So. Once I saw those happy people, I realized that what I've been wanting for so long is happiness. I complain about my situations because I want to be happy, all the time, whenever, wherever.
But I tried finding it in places that didn't exist--fake friends, drugs, booze, sex.
But what's harder to accept is the fact that everyone seems to hide and look for happiness in all the wrong places.
I am happy.
Once you become truly happy, it seems, everything seems to not really matter anymore.
Not being apathetic, rather, content. And happy in your contentment.
I am happy that I fucked up the first two years in college--it taught me something.
I am happy I hated myself for so long--because now it feels good to finally appreciate myself.
I am happy I surrounded myself with people who were probably only using me for their own good--because now I can identify those who may do me wrong.
And finally, I am happy my father fucked me up--I could have a much easier life if he hadn't<--not saying my life has been...no, not at all. But it hasn't been that easy either.
Life. It's weird.
I think I can lift my head to the sky and be OK with where I am, all the time, whenever, wherever.
Tomorrow, I shall take a bike ride with Dave, smoke up on the beach, and ride some more.
Today, I rode my bike and got caught in the rain, smoked up in a park, and rode some more.
♥
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| cycle 3 |
[25 Feb 2007|04:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 annoyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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serenity |
] |
so, like every other time i allow myself to become vunerable with a guy, in the end he just ruins the whole thing.
dave just wants to be my friend. i'm one of his best friends and all that bullshit. said he was sorry for leading me on last semester, he didn't mean it. yada yada yada. i cried a lot last night during the black out. seems like coe's darkness was almost on purpose.
i cried so hard. it fucking sucked. but now i'm good.
i can look at him and not feel a flutter.
man this sucks though. human contact feels good. but...now it's over.
fuck.
i really enjoyed the human contact. damn, maybe i should find me a little buddy to make me feel nice and warm whenever i want him to.
that's fucked up, though. it's like...it's like...wrong. coz then i'm just playing games with someone's feelings. and i hate that shit. i hate stupid little emotional tricks people use on each other.
i mean, take dave for instance.
i'm not a doll.
i'm not someone you can use to figure out yourself.
i know what type of chicks you go for now, and obviously i'm not one.
i'm not artsy.
i'm not nice (all the time).
i'm really getting sick of guys that go after girls they know they can't have.
and i'm sick of getting unwanted attention from guys. it seems to only happen when i'm not interested in them. they suddenly fall madly in love with me. and honestly, i don't fucking get it.
i wish i had a map to the male brain. maybe then it'd make sense...
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[07 Feb 2007|02:59am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Todd Rundgren - Hello its Me |
] |
It's been a while but I need to get this off my chest:
WE ARE PEOPLE.
WE SHARE SIMILIAR TRAITS.
HUMAN NATURE IS DISTINCTIVE. NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE.
WE NEED EACH OTHER TO SURVIVE.
AFTERALL, THAT'S WHAT SOCIETY IS.
so why can't we cut the bullshit and just live in peace with each other?
wanna know why?
BECAUSE WE NEED DISTRUCTION TO CREATE ORDER.
WE NEED PARADIGMS FOR FAILURE, FOR EVIL, FOR THE THINGS YOU TELL YOUR CHILDREN NOT TO DO.
and even after admitting that, why then can't we just seriously get along?
THE GOVERNMENT DEPENDS ON THE DRUG TRADE.
WITHOUT THE BLACKMARKET, THE GOVERNMENT WOULD LOSE IT'S FUNDING.
(secretly)
WITHOUT BLAME.
[!]
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| Quest! |
[26 Dec 2006|07:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 dorky |
] |
| [ |
music |
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prodigy - spitfire |
] |
Today, I'm gonna go looking for cheaper gag gifts for people.
Alone.
I'm excited.
I haven't gone to the areas I'm about to visit alone in a loong time, it should prove to be relaxing.
Now all I gotta do is get up and get ready.
I'm too lazy, though.
....
Okay!
Ready,
Set,
GO!
....
♥
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[01 Dec 2006|08:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 discontent |
] |
| [ |
music |
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hopesfall - escape pods for intangibles |
] |
i have come to the conclusion that i may in fact end up choking on a pillow. asphyxiation from something so comfortable has never seemed so peaceful.
i'm going to be as stressed as a bastard child who desperately seeks the comfort of a father, but can't.
i just hope god helps me.
i need his help, even if this is my own fault.
i have a poem response to do, but i have become surprisingly good at bullshitting these.
i have that paper on villainy and virtue, which was due october 23.
it's now december 1st.
i have my fem paper, which i am about to discuss with my prof, and let's say he ripped my rough draft apart, "it's real rough, even for a rough draft."
suck.
not to mention slight memorization of a three page scene, which i am supposed to have done next week.
and on top of that, soc exam.
it needs to be mentioned that the fucking final for HEL 1 is at 8 in the goddamn morning.
it's like they're trying to set me up for failure.
or i am.
i'm not gonna though. i will get this done and when it's all over, i can lay ontop of the pillow i planned on murdering myself with.
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| Home makes me sleepy. |
[22 Nov 2006|03:54am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 groggy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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tapes 'n tapes - just drums |
] |
Being at home makes me sleepy. If I weren't here, I think I'd be full of energy. Why is that? Is it coz there's billions of people around me I know I can annoy? I've watched two movies today, ate a shitty sandwich from Panera, rode my bike and watched my thumb turn purple. I woke up at 1:15pm and that's all I have to show for my day? What am I gonna do when it's Christmas Break? I'm considering asking four people if they would mind if I took a train to see them. I don't think the people I have in mind would, but I still gotta ask and shit. I was planning on getting drunk this week, but I'm going to St. Louis tomorrow so it doesn't look like I will. I remember Dave mentioning how he's afraid he will become an alcoholic because he likes getting drunk way too much. Currently, I understand where he comes from. I enjoy being drunk more than I'd like to admit. I could have stayed at Coe and hung out with Sheaffer. I'm thinking me leaving was a big mistake because I'd rather be with friends than my family. It's occurred to me that that's a little weird. But I have to ask myself why I prefer my friends over family.
Why?
Jesus. I think after I'm done watching this I'm gonna go to sleep. I'll probably sleep in my clothes, minus the duck-taped chucks. I have to call Beck so we can hang out.
I've come to the conclusion that I really enjoy listening to Tapes 'n Tapes. Call me an emo bitch.
Please do it.
Or maybe an indie bitch?
That seems to work better.
Either way, I'm something.
Do I really hate Coe?
Probably.
But I only like it through circumstance. Friends exist there.
I'm 20 years old. It's really weird to know that. I'm 20fuckingyearsold.
I wish happiness came as easy as sleep. Or food. Or even a four hour drive from corn-fields.
If I lived here, I think I wouldn't be so lazy? I think I would get a lot of homework done...when I return to Coe, I'm placing myself in isolation.
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| oh the dreary days |
[10 Oct 2006|10:41am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cranky |
] |
| [ |
music |
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NIN - Reptile |
] |
with recycled eye make up, the stale clothes i wore monday morning and half combed hair, i sit here in silence trying to decide if i want a nap now or later. is me taking a nap a reasonable excuse for not showing up for fem. philosophy? i have lost interest in the course and often find myself staring at hoover's entrancing beard. might i add the fact that hoover is an extremely handsome man? my tummy hasn't been agreeing with me since lunch yesterday. it seems as though my stomach has seen the final coming--she can no longer try to eat caf food that makes me poop bricks; if it hasn't been assumed it should be, alexis johnson likes taking poops. but i don't enjoy these poops. these poops are not pleasing to me. i do not enjoy them. i also do not enjoy my hair in it's current state. i need to be driven to walmart so i can buy a perm and beg des to put that shit in for me. my hair is NO joke. it's been three months since i had a perm, the last time i did it myself and boy was that rough.
on the flip side, i recieved 200 bucks in the mail today. a combination of work study and my mom sending me 50 bucks. plus the 75 i already have in my stash. boy, you can say i'm flipping excited about this. yet another reason i need to go back home, you know, so i can deposit the cash in my account so i don't spend it all.
damn.
or iowa needs a goddamn chase. it's just that simple.
enough of this, time to go take a nappy nap and then hopefully wake up in time for lunch.
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uriskphooka's journal
